The Question We Often Forget to Ask

One of the easiest ways to improve a conversation is also one of the easiest things to overlook. Rather than finding better words or becoming more persuasive we can become more curious. That sounds simple, but it is surprisingly difficult to do when we are under pressure.

Imagine someone says something in a meeting that you disagree with. Within a few seconds, your mind is already busy. You are deciding whether you agree, thinking about how to respond and perhaps even anticipating what they might say next. By the time they have finished speaking, you have mentally moved on from trying to understand them to preparing your reply. Most of us do this from time to time. It is part of being human.

The difficulty is that when we move too quickly into responding, we can easily miss what the other person is really trying to tell us. We hear the words, but not always the thinking behind them.

I often notice this when people describe a conversation that did not go as well as they had hoped. As they talk it through, it becomes clear that both people were trying hard to explain their own perspective, but neither had spent much time exploring the other's. That is rarely because they did not care. More often, they assumed they already understood.

Assumptions have a habit of creeping quietly into conversations. We assume we know why someone has made a particular decision. We assume we understand their motives. We assume we know what they are going to say before they have finished saying it. Sometimes we are right, but quite often we are not.

One of the most useful habits you can develop is to notice when you think you already know the answer and become curious instead. That curiosity does not need to be complicated. It might simply be asking:

"Can you tell me a bit more about that?"

Or perhaps:

"I'm interested in how you reached that conclusion."

Neither question is challenging. Neither suggests agreement or disagreement. They simply invite the other person to explain their thinking.What often follows is a much richer conversation than either person expected.

Curiosity also has another benefit. It slows us down. Many workplace conversations become difficult because they gather pace. We respond quickly, defend our position and move towards solutions before we have properly understood the problem. A thoughtful question interrupts that pattern and gives everyone a little more space to think.

It is worth remembering that understanding does not require agreement. You can understand someone's perspective and still hold a different view. In fact, understanding usually makes disagreement more constructive because you are responding to what they actually mean, rather than to what you assumed they meant.

The next time you find yourself becoming frustrated or defensive in a conversation, it may be worth pausing for a moment and asking yourself a simple question.

What might I be missing here?

That question has a way of changing conversations before you have even spoken.

Questions to Consider

• How quickly do I move from listening to preparing my response?

• When did I last change my mind because I became curious?

• What assumptions do I tend to make about other people's intentions?

• Which conversations in my working week would benefit from a little more curiosity?

Try This This Week

In your next meeting or one-to-one conversation, challenge yourself to ask one genuine follow-up question before offering your own opinion.

Notice how the conversation changes when the other person feels heard before they feel challenged.

Looking for more practical ideas?

If you enjoy exploring workplace communication, you may find my free Communicating with Confidence video series helpful. The videos cover a range of everyday situations, including speaking up in meetings, giving and receiving feedback, handling disagreement and approaching difficult conversations with greater confidence. Each video is short, practical and designed to help you apply the ideas straight away.

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