The Conversations We Rehearse But Never Have
Some conversations seem to take place long before we ever speak to the other person. We think about what we want to say while we're driving to work, walking the dog or making a cup of tea, gradually building a picture of how the discussion might unfold. By the time the meeting actually arrives, we have often rehearsed it several times in our own minds and, occasionally, even decided how it will end.
There is nothing unusual about that. We are simply trying to reduce uncertainty, and mental rehearsal can be extremely useful. When something feels important or potentially uncomfortable, our minds naturally start filling in the gaps by imagining different scenarios and trying to prepare us for what might happen next.
The difficulty is that those imagined conversations can become far more convincing than the real one that eventually takes place. Perhaps you find yourself assuming that the other person will react defensively, that they will disagree with everything you say or that you need to have the perfect response to every possible question before you begin. None of those things may actually happen, but because we have rehearsed them often enough they can begin to feel like facts rather than possibilities.
It is one of the reasons people delay conversations they know they need to have. The issue is rarely that they do not know what they think or what they want to say. More often, they are waiting until they feel certain enough to deal with every possible outcome. Sometimes that thinking may lead us to avoid having the conversation at all.
The trouble is that conversations are not formal presentations. However carefully we prepare, there will always be something we cannot predict because the other person is bringing their own thoughts, concerns and perspective into the discussion. They may have noticed the issue already. They may see it rather differently. They may even be relieved that someone has finally decided to talk about it.
That uncertainty is not a flaw in the conversation. It is simply part of having one.
Instead of trying to anticipate every twist and turn, it is usually more helpful to spend time thinking about what you would like the conversation to achieve. Are you hoping to understand the situation better? Reach a decision? Clear the air? Agree what happens next?
When you are clear about your purpose, the pressure to find exactly the right words often begins to ease. The conversation becomes less about delivering a perfectly crafted message and more about working through something together.
It also helps to remember that you are not responsible for carrying the whole discussion. The other person will ask questions, explain their thinking and introduce ideas that you could never have anticipated. That is what makes conversations different from speeches. They evolve as two people begin to explore an issue together.
Looking back over the years, I have lost count of the number of people who have told me, "It wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined." That does not mean every conversation is easy or comfortable, but it is a useful reminder that our predictions are not always reliable guides to reality.
Perhaps there is a conversation that has been sitting in the background for a while, demanding your attention. If so, it may be worth asking whether you already know enough to begin. You do not have to know how the conversation will finish before you decide to start it.
Questions to Consider
Is there a conversation that has been occupying more of your thinking than it really needs to?
What assumptions have you made about how the other person will respond?
If you put those assumptions to one side, what would be a good way to begin?
Try This This Week
Think of one conversation you have been postponing and spend a few minutes writing down what you hope will be different once it has taken place. Then arrange a time to have it, trusting yourself to deal with whatever emerges rather than trying to predict every possible turn in advance.
Looking for more practical ideas?
If communication is an area you would like to develop further, you may enjoy my free Communicating with Confidence video series. Each short video explores a common workplace communication challenge and offers practical ideas that you can apply straight away, whether you are speaking up in meetings, handling disagreement or preparing for a difficult conversation.
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