When self-esteem is a problem…

The importance of healthy levels of self-esteem is undeniable. Self-esteem is a fundamental building block for a healthy and successful life, as it helps us to develop positive relationships, make healthy decisions, and cope with life's challenges.

Unfortunately, too much emphasis placed on self-esteem can have a negative impact. When people focus too much on their self-esteem, it can lead to an unhealthy comparison with others. This often leads to a focus on how we measure up against others, instead of being content with ourselves and our accomplishments. This can create a sense of inadequacy and fuel feelings of insecurity.

Over emphasising self-esteem can also lead to a false sense of self-worth. People who focus too much on their own self-esteem can start to believe they are better or more capable than they really are. This can lead to unrealistic expectations, which can lead to disappointment and frustration when they don’t achieve those expectations.

In our coaching work we increasingly see the results of those with both low and inflated self-esteem – it’s unhelpful for them and those with whom they work and live.

The current focus on building self-esteem began in the early 1990s in primary schools. Much of this emphasis in children (for example in social and emotional learning or SEL classes in primary schools) has been associated more recently with unhelpful outcomes, especially for emotional and mental well-being.

When people rely too heavily on self-esteem, they can become dependent on the approval of others to feel good about themselves. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression and can cause them to act out in unhealthy ways. The parallel advent of social media and its provision of constant validation and status-seeking has enormously fuelled this impact and encouraged narcissistic behaviours.

Rather than placing too much emphasis on self-esteem, it is important to build a sense of perspective and focus on self-acceptance. Self-acceptance means accepting yourself for who you are, not as an idealised version of yourself. Learning to be content with who you are, and setting realistic development goals, is a much healthier approach for both mental and physical health.

Many of the challenges we now see are in those who are highly internally-focused and endlessly struggling with their need for external validation. This is increasingly common in younger generations. This shift strongly indicates that this is, at least in part, a taught way of thinking – and certainly a learnt one. While this focus leads to unhelpful and challenging outcomes, it can be unlearned and redeveloped.  

It is becoming increasingly important to recognise the importance of self-esteem in our lives. At the same time, however, it is essential to be mindful of the risks of over emphasising it. We should strive for self-acceptance and a sense of perspective as the key to a healthy and successful life.

#self-esteem #coaching #impostersyndrome