What stories are you telling yourself?
One of the things that coaching often reveals is the beliefs people hold about themselves. They often emerge quite naturally in conversation, sometimes without the person even realising how firmly those beliefs have become established. It might be something like, "I'm not very good at networking" or, "I've never been particularly confident." Perhaps it's, "I'm not someone who enjoys speaking in meetings." These are just examples, but I hear similar statements remarkably often. They are usually offered almost as facts rather than opinions, which makes me wonder when that story first began and, perhaps more importantly, whether it still reflects who that person is today.
We rarely stop to question the stories we tell ourselves. This can make them powerful as they become part of how we see ourselves. Take confidence as an example. Someone who believes they lack confidence will often remember the meeting where they struggled to express a point or the presentation that did not go quite as planned. They don’t recall the occasions where they handled a difficult conversation well or spoke up without hesitation. These can easily slip into the background because they do not fit the story they already believe. I wonder how often we all do that.
We collect evidence for the version of ourselves we already know, even when that version is years out of date. Many of the beliefs we carry about ourselves were formed at a particular moment in time. Perhaps a manager criticised us early in our career. Maybe we compared ourselves with someone who seemed much more confident or capable. Sometimes one uncomfortable experience quietly becomes the basis for a much bigger conclusion, and before long we find ourselves repeating it without ever asking whether it still deserves a place.
The difficulty is that we continue to carry those conclusions long after the circumstances have changed. You are probably not the same person you were five years ago, let alone twenty. You have dealt with situations that once felt daunting, learned new skills and navigated challenges that would once have seemed beyond you. Yet it is surprisingly easy to keep describing yourself using language that belongs to an earlier version of you.
I've noticed this in myself from time to time. We all have stories that have become so familiar we stop recognising them as stories. They simply become part of our internal commentary and quietly influence the decisions we make, the opportunities we pursue and sometimes the ones we avoid. Perhaps that is why it can be so useful to become curious about the words we use.
There is quite a difference between saying, "I don't particularly enjoy presenting," and saying, "I'm not someone who can present." One describes a preference, while the other becomes part of your identity. It is worth asking whether the label is still deserved.
Perhaps there is one sentence you have repeated about yourself for years without ever stopping to examine it. If you looked at the evidence from the last twelve months rather than the last ten years, would you describe yourself in exactly the same way?
You don’t have to swap the story with a more positive one immediately. It can be a good start just to acknowledge that there may be another version to explore.
Questions to Consider
What sentence do you find yourself repeating about who you are at work?
Where did that belief first come from?
If someone who knows you well described you today, would they use the same words?
What evidence have you overlooked because it does not fit the story?
Try This This Week
Pay attention to the way you talk about yourself over the next few days. When you hear yourself saying, "I'm just the sort of person who..." or "I've never been very good at...", pause for a moment and ask yourself, is that still true?
Looking for more ideas?
If this article has prompted you to think differently about the stories you tell yourself, you may enjoy the free Change Your Story video. And if you found this post useful you can sign up to stay informed with curated strategies on managing change. Delivered straight to your inbox. Unsubscribe at any time. Send me updates